Misguided ghost - Paramore fanfic
by Lonerboyforever
Summary: Ever since I knew of the girl that goes by the name of Hayley Williams, all I ever wanted was to be with her. I yearned for her touch, I yearned for her love, yet I could never get those things. The last thing I thought would happen, happened on one eventful day and this turned my whole existence upside down.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 The groceries isle held a lot of green looking produce that I placed in my shopping cart. Fresh cabbages, fat beans and bright pumpkins. Heh I chuckled at the thought of the word Pumpkin . I really like that word, rearrange it and you get Punk imp . Plus it sounds cheery and spunky. Whoever the English gentleman that came up with the word Pumpkin for this orange, funny shaped fruit was, he must have been excellent at wording his thoughts (Basically someone unlike me).  
Since I came upon the word orange now, a whole new train of thought flooded my head almost instantly. Half of it was just various hues and orange colored fruits and veggies, but the most important thing was a person, a girl actually. She was someone that had invaded my thoughts and dreams from the day I first saw her. Let me tell you about her She was not a tall person, only reaching up to 5 3. She had a slim figure that was not too thin but had the right amount of body fat for a girl (The goldilocks zone in the Women s body fat scale , which probably never exists). Her skin was fair and it looked like beige snow in the sun. She had some tattoos in her arms, one of which reads Accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative (She was that kind of person). Her head seems to on fire because her hair is either orange or red (She changes her hair color A LOT). Her face is shaped like a strawberry and there is a gentle curve that reaches down from her cheeks to her lower jaw. Her cheeks were not bony but not also puffy either. In those cheeks are tiny, almost un-seeable freckles that added character to them. When her rosy lips widen to form a smile, sweet dimples appeared below her cheekbones making her smile more dazzling. Her nose was designed for a goddess but it looked better on her face (It was very symmetrical). Her eyes seemed to have two distinct colors in different moments. One day they would be light brown and on a different day they would be a dull emerald both of which had an unexpected beauty. Above her eyes, were her flaming bangs that used to reach down to her face covering her forehead but now were shorter and revealed her entire perfect face more. She has a voice so musical that can light anyone s day up. If I had to give her a nickname I would definitely name her Pumpkin She is the most breath taking person I had ever got to know of in my life, and as If on cue, (Probably one of those moments where everything falls into place in strange coincidences) a Paramore song started playing on the store speakers.  
Remember that girl I was talking about, the one with the flaming hair? Well she sings in this band. The song that just started playing on the store speakers was their latest single called Still Into You . Just to be perfectly clear, the woman I was thinking about is Hayley Nicole Williams. By now you ve probably figured out that I m in love with her, which is kind of the reason for my heartbreak.  
Hearing that song on the speakers put me in a different kind of mood. The lyrics kept shoving thoughts of being with her to my head And when our fingers interlock, can t deny, can t deny, you re worth it I did the rest of my shopping with these thoughts and when reached the counter, I must have looked like I was in a different planet because the cashier looked so quizzical. Is there something on my face? I asked ignorantly No, it s just you look really happy today She replied Do I? Well I don t know about that. I d probably have to check a mirror to be sure. I replied back smiling.  
She returned a smile.  
Cool she said. I have only seen this here girl for only about a couple of weeks. She replaced the old cashier who was a grey haired old man whom I was used to seeing. She had blonde hair and was wearing the store overalls over her blue shirt. She kind of looked familiar to me, maybe she went to the same university I did. It d be hard to tell because I see so many faces there.  
She tagged and bagged my shopping list consisting of veggies, meat products, delicious peanut butter and two cans of Pringles. My head was not on the products though. It dwelled on the fantasy of spending time with the woman I love, having an intimate conversation with her, making her laugh and smile with us both knowing that we love each other more than anything else in the world. Oh how I wanted to be there with her, to be there for her.  
The Paramore song faded away as I carried my shopping bags out of the store towards my apartment. And with the music my fantasy faded away, falling fast and hard down to earth again. Why would Hayley ever want to be with me? I m a nobody, an unexceptional sheep in a world where there is no place for unexceptional. Would I ever get to meet Hayley? Probably not, even if I did, would that single life defining moment of time be enough for me to leave at least something close to a good lasting impression on someone so exceptional like her? When everyday she surrounds herself with people that are extremely gifted, passionate, confident and not to mention good looking? The answer still dwells on the negative. Compared to someone like the nobody, an undesirable, the bad man that you tell your kids to stay away from, a walking shell of uncertainty and confusion, a mistake that should have been erased without much fuss.  
My eyes took in the front view of the bookstore that was in ahead of me, I suddenly remembered why I had brought two cans of Pringles. I walked past the bookstore to the alley next to it, my eyes searching for a familiar face. Lo and behold there he was! I walked up to him to strike a conversation. Good morning, Larry I greeted him Oh hey man He replied, removing his head from the dumpster that he was poking around in I came by to give you something Look man, I know that we re friends and everything but that doesn t mean you have to take care of me all the time. Not that I don t appreciate the thought, it s just I cut him off before he could finish his sentence Dude it s a can of Pringles with a huge smirk on my face Larry took a couple of seconds to evaluate his thoughts. Well in that case We both started laughing Man I really feel like I owe you everything now, you still take care of me whenever you can even though there s nothing forcing you to do it Larry said at the end of his laugh.  
Taking a deep bow, I said T was my pleasure Sir Larry in a British butler accent.  
Jackass I was really being grateful ya know? Larry said also smiling Hey what are friends for? Anyway why don t you open that can so we can both eat a few of those chips right now? In agreement he removes the lid of the cylindrical container, puts his fingers inside and takes out a handful of chips which he offers to me. I take them and I slide off the top piece and bite half of it. This is nice I thought. Larry was one of my close friends. He didn t always use to be this way. He once was one of the janitorial staff in the university. My first encounter with him was when I slipped right in front of him on the floor that he had just mopped. As he helped me off my awkward position I first saw that he was around my age, probably 3-4 years older than me. He was pretty tall too. He had a goatee and wore glasses back then. I only thanked him that day but I saw him more and more in the future and got to be really good friends with him. I also got to know that he had a gambling problem, which put him in serious debt that he couldn t escape from. After the bank took his house away his wife left him too. He was still my friend though, and I couldn t leave him alone and friendless. So I try to be there for him and help him out in tough situation when I can. Larry needs a friend now and then to help him in his moments of doubt. It wasn t just that either, I enjoyed spending time with him. Life is good when you are with the people that you care for. But if that s the case then what if you re separated from the one you care for?  
Damn it. There I go again falling back into the endless loophole called love, specifically a love that ll never be known, accepted or returned. This world was not supposed to have Hayley Williams and me in each other s embrace. Yet the worst part is even though I will never get to be with her, it doesn t chase my feelings for her away. I remember the first time I first laid my eyes on her. I was just scrolling through the TV channels when I saw Hayley in front of a mike, singing with her gentle voice, the song called The Only Exception . And it was instantaneous, what I felt. I ve never felt something so amazing in my life ever before. From the day I saw her I wanted to know more about her, I wanted to make her unbelievably happy; I wanted to be hers and only hers. It was one of those moments when you meet someone so amazing that you don t want to fall in love with anybody else. My soul called out for her every time when something reminded me of her. But every time it did I always found myself alone because she can t hear me, she never will and I ll be destined to wander life alone my heart always on her yet to still unable to reach out and be with her. Oh how I would just give anything not to feel so lost anymore.  
Where are you? Larry saying this broke my train of thought and snapped me back to reality.  
Man you look like you ve got something locked up inside your head. You can talk to me about your problems ya know Thinking about what he said I take a risk and ask him,  
Larry, do you think we are born for a reason, maybe to be with someone, to spend our lives with that destined person, to be unconditionally happy in their lives?  
I didn t tell him about specifically about Hayley or about the heartbreak I felt because he would think that it s ridiculous, that I m pathetic. To be honest I wouldn t blame him for thinking that, there are times even when I think it s totally ridiculous and creepy to fall in love with a girl you saw in TV. I haven t even talked to her, I haven t even met her in person, but still some part of me wanted her more than anything. It s obvious that these feelings will one day tear me apart, and that s what Larry will probably say to me, he advise me to just let it all go, to forget about her. The thing is my feelings for her are not my curse, in fact I realize that I enjoy them; thinking about her brings happiness to me. It s just the fact that it s impossible for me be with her is what s tearing me apart inside.  
Larry thought about what I said for a minute, a strange expression invading his face. Was he thinking about his wife? He did love her, she must have meant the whole world to him, and she still might be.  
Well the truth is I don t know if we re meant to be with someone or to just live alone. I mean look at me, my wife left me and I m left alone with nobody to love. But there are people who have somebody to love and care for. When I see two people like that, they look to me like they were meant to be with each other. Like I said man I don t know. Maybe some people are meant to be alone. What he said last cut through to me like a hot knife through butter. It s fairly probable that I m just one of those people that don t fit with another person that intimately. I can imagine myself being in an intimate relationship with someone, but maybe the truth is that in reality I m just not made for something like that. I ve only been in one romantic relationship in my life. The reason it didn t work was because I was too distant. Maybe the hard truth is if I ever was in a relationship with Hayley, I would eventually just end up hurting her or even worse.  
It was hard to Imagine me doing something so awful to the woman I love. But there s something deep inside of me that knows that I m just going to hurt her. Deep inside I knew that I could never make anybody happy, that there s no possible way anybody, especially Hayley could love me for what I am. It was hard to imagine a life spent alone. Maybe that s why I try to believe that I m meant to be with somebody, to hide the truth that I am meant to be alone.  
I take a few seconds silently asking Why me? What have I ever done wrong to be like this? Why am I the one that has to spend the rest of my life unhappy, angry and alone? You alright man? Larry asked Oh! Yeah I m alright it s just a question that just randomly popped into my head I lie right into his face.  
I take another chip and start eating in. I realize that this was the first time that I ve actually even slightly taken the risk of opening up to someone. I didn t have many friends and Larry was the one that I was most intimate with, yet even to him I have never opened up to him about anything. It was always just random thoughts that we dwelled on in our most conversations, there were days when he opened up to me, when he needed a shoulder to cry on, especially when his wife left him. Why was it that we didn t talk about my life I wonder? Was it simply because there was nothing in my life worth talking about? I mean my life was nothing but a routine. Only very rarely did it have some historic moment that defined my petty reason to exist.  
I also realize that I didn t like even being slightly opened up in front of Larry. It made me feel powerless, so desperate and so pathetic.  
Listen man I have to go now, I ll come by tomorrow too. Sorry I said looking to exit the awkwardness that I created hoping that come tomorrow we ll both forget it.  
Okay man, see ya he raised his hand as a gesture of goodbye. I did the same, spun around and started heading off back to my apartment.  
I didn t mind the buildings surrounding me as I was walking back to my small apartment. I just turned left at the next intersection and walked one block till I neared the traffic lights at the street crossing leading to the brick-walled, three storey apartment building where I lived. That s when I noticed a family also waiting to cross the street. There was a lady holding a small child in her left hand and clutching her second older son s hand with her right hand. Right when saw her let go of her son s arm and reach for something in her handbag, it happened.  
The little boy dropped his yoyo on the ground and it kept rolling like a coin straight onto the asphalt. He didn t see the silver sedan coming fast from his left. His mother s eyes widened in shock and fear when saw her son facing certain danger and that she was late to pull him back. There was little time to think, the only thought that went through my head was that if I didn t do something, that boy is going to get run over by that car. I ran to the boy as fast as I can and pushed him back onto the pavement. Now what? What about me? It happened after a split second. The car struck me from behind. The impact was hard. I ricocheted over the vehicle and landed hard on the ground, and that was all she wrote.  
This was the day I died.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I woke up to the blinding whiteness. Blinding, like the morning sun to the restless sleeper. I shielded my eyes against the almost unbearable burning sensation, the immense brightness created, letting only a few beams of white light penetrate through the gaps of my fingers until they adjusted to the light completely. After my eyes stopped hurting I looked around and noted my surroundings. Empty. Nothing but the pure white. A seemingly endless white expanse. "What on earth is this place? Am I dreaming?" I questioned the white void in my head. I looked around all angles find an exit. Nothing, but wait! There was something. A black shape had appeared out of thin air in the direction I was looking. My curiosity aroused, I found myself headed in the direction of the black blob, not sure of what it was, yet still knowing that it must be a way out of here.

As I close in on the blackness, its faded edges morph into more clear and straight lines, revealing its true rectangular shape. Something bright yellow was sticking out of its corners. I immediately recognized it as a handle and the black shape as door. I pondered on what may lie behind that door. Could it be tall brick buildings and the grey asphalt with its roaring automobiles on it and the mindless pedestrians walking beside it? Could it be another similar white space? Or could it hold something sinister in comparison to what I had in mind? I had no way of knowing. But I knew I had to go through it, that it must be a way out of this place. I convinced myself that nothing bad was beyond the door and with a quick inhale I turned its handle and entered through it.

It was a small apartment living room. Unlike the bright empty space before, this was a very dull colored, closely packed room with barely enough room to move around. I spun around to see where I had entered the room from, but the black door was gone… strange. There was a small window overlooking the busy street, though it's cars not moving. Right around the centre of the apartment was a small TV, its screen showing a still cartoon character in a desert. In front of the TV was a couch that was as dull as the apartment walls, and seated on it was a middle-aged lady held on by a little boy that I assumed was her son. They were still, not moving an inch to even switch into different positions on the couch, as if somebody had frozen this moment in time. The mother had gentle features on her face and kind eyes. The boy was the absolute epitome of innocence, with his genuine eyes and sweet smile. They were watching whatever program that must have been on the TV. For the time being the mother and child were happy. I walked around the mother-son figurine_, _my inner desire to remain with the duo,_ to take in their happiness, to share their moment, to take in their feelings that somehow I closely related to_. But my desire to leave this place and return to the real world won over my longing to remain with them and I began looking for a way out of the apartment.

Suddenly as if a light was switched on, everything; the mother, the child, the couch, the TV, the walls disappeared, replaced by the similar whiteness that occupied the room before. What just happened? I looked around for a single clue that might betray what happened to the apartment but alas! There was nothing. To my surprise what I did see was a black door a few paces ahead me. _Another door? Why was this here? Where would this take me?_ I wondered what might lie beyond this door though I knew that it couldn't be something meant to do me any harm. So I opened the door and went inside.

I found something which I did not expect. Like before this was also another moment captured in time. Unlike last time this was a moment of two young people; a teenage boy and a teenage girl. They were kissing, the girl leaning on the school locker; with her hands cupping the boy's face while he held her hands. I'm in some school, specifically in a school corridor, an empty one except for the two lovebirds. The door I came in was gone leaving me no clue as to where I entered from. I looked closely at the boy and girl. The boy had dark brown hair and the girl had light brown hair. I couldn't make out much of their faces because they were in contact with each other at the lips and blocking me from truly seeing what they looked like. They were both dressed in what seemed to be average clothing. The real star was not how they appeared though, it was the feelings they shared.

It delighted me in some way to see these two people so enveloped in each other right now in this moment. Though I had a gut feeling that their young love wouldn't last, it was still it was some sight. Again I found myself wanting to remain in the moment; my thought's being invaded by similar thoughts of the love the two young lovers here shared, as if the love they shared was so great that an excess wandered itself to my heart. Who were they? Why am I feeling like this? More questions popped up in my head and although my desire to stay was strong, my need for answers was greater. I had to find out where I was, and how I could have related to what I saw. I turned away from the couple, looking for the school exit.

Once again the light switched on, taking the entire school corridor, along with its lockers and the two people in it away. I was in another white room, with another black door in it.

I thought about what I felt back in the school corridor; with the two lovebirds. An alien sensation that strangely fulfilled me, which made my heart beat faster. It excited me without a reason, and made me forget that I was a stranger in a strange white world looking for a way out. When I was with the mother son duo I felt comforted, happy and content. What were these feelings? How could I be feeling them? Why was I feeling them? I didn't know what was going on with me. I thought that answers must lie beyond the next doors.

Without thinking about what I may find inside, I had already walked through the black door.

I was outside. I could see the blue sky and the hovering snowy clouds. I didn't know where exactly I was though. I was standing on a lonely pavement, beside a lonely road in some city. There was a bookstore right behind me with an alley next to it. The store sign read "Closed". I figured that it must be the early start of day. I headed along the street in the direction where the alley was, hoping that I'll meet somebody who could tell me where I was. As I was walking past the alley I saw two men in it. Delighted by this I walked over to them hoping I could get directions from them. They seemed strange, still, as if… _frozen?_ _They were._ I realized that like the people I saw before; the mother and son, the two lovers, the men here were also frozen in time. I wasn't really outside. It was all just another illusion of the white void.

I went over to the men anyway. One of them was dressed in a blue shirt and black jeans. He looked clean and organized. He was about the same height I was, with an average build. He had black hair, his face was slightly rectangular; clean shaven, black eyed and tan. The other man wore a thick, untidy, brown trench coat with pants that didn't match. His dirty blonde hair was all over the place; his hands were as dirty as his clothes. He was a couple of inches taller than me, and slightly skinnier than the other man. His face was similar to the other fellow's but blue eyed roughly bearded.

How they looked hardly seemed to bother them. They were smiling. They must have been having a pleasant conversation. He was handing something cylindrical to the other man. It read the word "Pringles" on it and it had a picture of a coconut with eyes and a mustache. It was clear that these two men were close friends. The bond that they seemed to share made me long to be part of it very badly, to be comforted in the sense of companionship and brotherhood. It made me want to remain here. It seemed to me that the things I saw since I woke up distracted me from getting my answers. Why did I want to remain with the frozen subjects so badly? What did I share with them? _What was the connection_? I was going to find out, and I was getting out of this place. I couldn't allow anything to delay me from my freedom.

Turning away from the alley I waited for everything to snap into white again. And it did, taking everything away. But this white area was different. All the other ones had black doors, this one had a red one. It was crimson red, very apparent in the whiteness and searing into my eyes. This surprised me as much as it aroused my curiosity even more. There has to be a reason for this door to be different than the others. Could it be the last one? I knew there was only one way to find out. I walked up to it, wondered for a second on what would happen after go through this door, and then finally turned the handle and went inside.

It wasn't all what I expected. Best case; scenario I imagined that I'd find myself outside, as in reality, unlike the illusion of the outside world I saw before. At least I expected to find something vivid, more special than what the other doors held. Something that would explain where I was, what was happening to me, and so on. In a way what I actually found _was_ special; _different_. The red door lead me into darkness. I couldn't see anything including my own self. I turned my head back looking for where the door was, not sure how much I turned because I absolutely had no idea where I was looking, and found that the door had disappeared. This _was_ different, different from the white expanse that attacked me with its brightness. The blackness seemed to take everything away from me. I soon found myself scared, alone, unhappy and strangely angry. The silence in the dark void seemed to make everything worse. I could hear myself thinking very clearly and it wasn't happy colorful thoughts

_Help me_

_You're pathetic_

_Are you even human?_

_Monster_

_You don't love_

_You feel nothing_

_I hate you_

_I hate everything_

_Why is this happening to me God?_

The voices tear into me deeply. _A plague in my head_. I try all I can to shut them out, to snuff out the voices with some kind of tune, but I realized that I don't know any. Take me away from here please. No more.

Then suddenly there was a voice, a female voice. It was singing. It was the beautiful voice I could think of. There was music. So clear and apparent, a safe haven from the tormenting silence. What was it singing? I concentrated on what the voice was saying.

_Cause I'm just one of those ghosts  
Traveling endlessly  
Don't need no roads  
In fact they follow me  
And we just go in circles_

Well now I'm told that this is life  
And pain is just a simple compromise  
So we can get what we want out of it  
Would someone care to classify,  
Our broken hearts and twisted minds  
So I can find someone to rely on

And run  
To them, to them  
Full speed ahead  
Oh you are not, useless  
We are just

Misguided ghosts  
Traveling endlessly  
The ones we trusted the most  
Pushed us far away  
And there's no one road  
And we should not be the same  
But I'm just a ghost  
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

I wondered where this beautiful song and the angelic voice came from, this song which comforted me, the gentle voice that smothered me, its invisible tendrils chasing away the horrors of the darkness and protecting me. Who did this voice belong to? _Who was she_?

Suddenly as if an answer to my question, she was everywhere. The darkness was no more, and everything was her. Everything was illuminated by her bright orange hair, her gentle hazel eyes, her lips, her smile, her cheeks, her strawberry shaped face, her porcelain skin, her arms her hands, her legs. Dear God who was she? The void now illuminated with her image, her personality and her presence. Everything about her; her looks, her voice and the nature of her character was perfect. _Who was she? I wanted to know more about her. _I stood in silence awed by everything about her.

I stood there for a long time taking her in when suddenly a voice said.

"I can tell that she means something to you"

Startled by the voice I turn around to see who it was. There was a man in a black suit standing behind me. He was olive skinned and he had a caring, gentle face. Generally it was unremarkable but there was something about it that eased my fear.

"Who are you?" I calmly asked.

"You can call me Richard for now" He replied, his face showing a hint of a smile.

"How did you get here?"

"I can go to many places, this place is one of them"

"What is this place? Why am I here?" I asked the question that I had from the moment I woke up.

"This place is kind of a holding area for people like you till they decide to come with me"

People like me? What did he mean by that?

"What do you mean by people like me?" I voiced my question.

"Well see, people like you are kind of… _lost_. Bad things happened to them in life and that's why they're here. When they near the end your journey in this place I go to them and help them make up their minds; to come with me or to stay" He replied kindly.

"What happened to me in real life? And what happens if I come with you?"

"You don't remember but something bad did happen to you. Everyone has to find that out on their own. It's not my duty to tell them that what's there for them if they chose to come with me. It's for them to find out"

He wasn't giving me a straight answer. I tried to remember what had happened to me that was so bad that it brought me here. I tried hard to think, but as I did I realized that _I don't remember anything._ I can only recollect only up to the events of this day. The strange thing was; I knew that I was somebody back in the real world, that I knew people, that I had a life back there, but as I tried to think about it, nothing came up. The thought about who I was going back to in the real world, what life I was returning to, didn't come up in my head when I was searching for a way out of here. The only thought that was there was the thought of going back to my life, even though I really had no idea what my life was.

"Why can't I remember anything? Who am I?" I asked my need for answers growing by every second.

"When you wake up in this place you are relieved of the memories from your entire life. But we don't fully take your memories either. We leave the general thought that you have a life to go back to. It is only when you reach the end of you realize that you don't remember anything about your life at all. And as to who you are; you can get to know, but only if you chose to come with me"

"What happens if I come with you?"

"I cannot reveal that to you either, it is for you to find out. But I promise you it isn't anything horrific"

He's not going to answer that either. Thinking of something else I asked him a different question.

"Who is she?" I said pointing to the beautiful flame haired woman that illuminated the room.

"What each _lost _person sees in this place is different. They see what mattered most to them in this life. So the fact that you're seeing her means that she was important to you even though you don't remember it. And since you saw her at the end of your journey means that she mattered you more than anything else because everyone sees what matters most to them only when they reach the end of their journey in this place." He answered me casually.

He was right. The flame haired girl affected me more than any of the other things I saw which must have been a part of my life. Memories maybe? Was that why I was feeling different when I was in those moments? Did I feel that way because I actually was in that moment feeling the way I felt?

"If I was to come with you; would I get the answers? Will I know who I was and what happened to me?

He looked at me gravely; his casual expression removed from his face, and answered.

"I promise you _will_ get your answers, and that's not all you get. Your fate extends more than it did in your past life. You can find that out as well if you decide to join me. But to come with me you have to let go of everything. That's what this place is for; for you to let go of things that hold you to your past life. From the first memory you saw you have been challenged, on whether you are ready to let go of it. You being here right now in the last step of your journey means that you've been able to let go of those memories; that your need for answers drove you to fight the hold that your memories had on you, allowing you to proceed in your journey. Now you've arrived at the last step, the last obstacle that's keeping you between your answers. The final step is yours to take now. Is your need for answers greater than your attachment to your past self?"

After he said this, a door opened in the void illuminated by the orange haired girl revealing a white brightness beyond it.

I thought about what he said. I had faced three memories before I came to this last step. Each time I was confronted by the emotions that I felt in that moment. The comfort and content with the mother and son, the love I felt when I was with the two teenagers, the companionship and brotherhood with the two men was tough to let go but I did, and I moved on. Now I'm in the last step, and I was with her, the unknown flame haired woman. _I had to let go of her._

She was the epitome of perfection. There was not a single thing that I found displeasing about her. I wondered whether she was just someone my subconscious conjured up because she was absolutely perfect. I realized that I _loved_ her. I loved her personality, her voice, smile, her eyes, her lips, her hands, her hair, even the unapparent little freckles in her cheeks. I wanted to hold her hands, to taste her lips, to inhale her scent, to be with her. She saved me from the darkness; from the fear, anger and emptiness. She was everything to me. _And I didn't want to let go of her._

Finally I decide that I'm choosing to stay; to stay with her. I would rather be with her memory than knowing the answers which mattered little to me now. _All that mattered to me was her._

"Are you coming?" Richard asked with a curious smile on his face.

I took a deep breath and said "I'm sorry, no. I'd rather stay"

The smile evaporated off Richard's face, a gentle concerned look taking its place.

"Are you sure?" he asked

"Yes" I said my final answer.

"I see. Then this is where I take my leave. Goodbye"

After he said this, the door closed and he was gone. I was alone with the love of my life. I looked at her. She was everywhere, she was so beautiful. Everything echoed with her voice, her personality, presence. I tried to reach out and touch her but she was always too far away.

Suddenly I felt dizzy, my head heavy. I looked for something to hold on to in case I fell but there was nothing. Unable to support myself I collapsed on the floor. My eyelids were incredibly heavy.

_No! I don't want to sleep, I want to be with her!_

I screamed in my head. But it was no use. I could already feel myself slipping away. Her face was becoming unclear now, my heavy head dragging me way from her.

_No…_

Her voice fading away into silence

_No…_

And ultimately everything became a jumbled color palette. No way of making out anything. I lay there helpless as my whole world disappeared from me; as _she_ disappeared from me.

_No…_

Finally, the embrace of unconsciousness visited me, dragging me away from the faded colors and the woman I loved.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Bright noon light drifted through the closed curtains. The sunlight struggled to get through them, but they somehow managed to illuminate the room as much it would on a clear morning. The beige colored walls helped to make the room brighter.

I was in a house, _her house,_ specifically in the middle of her living room. It was small yet it had that certain touch to it; the elegant beauty in simplicity, not that it meant the living room was empty but rather alive with the little things that gave the space and the walls a soul.

That was about all I noticed. How could I when _she_ was there, with all her stunning beauty?

With her gorgeous hair, her stunning body, her breathtaking face and her magical eyes; which were now wet with her tears.

They were red now because she had been crying. Teardrops leaked from them and slid off her perfect face and landed on her maroon Ramones T-shirt or her grey sweatpants. They darkened with each tear that made itself home in it.

She was curled up like a ball on the corner of the living room couch, her knees now on the same level as her face; sometimes becoming a rest for her head.

She was devastated about something. I didn't know what it was. Frankly _I didn't care. _Seems like an odd thing not to care for this woman that I had a powerful attraction to, to not care about what's got her so welled up in tears, but the truth was it didn't mean a thing because she was here with me, and that's all that mattered. All that mattered to me was seeing her every single second of my existence.

I didn't care as she continued sobbing, sometimes wiping off the tears that were too stubborn to leave her cheeks, as if they adored them so much like I did, that they refused to leave its soft embrace.

It seemed like that all I've ever been is by her side.

Her eternal devotee.

Her silent companion

There was no beginning for me. No past. Just the present, just being with her. And _I enjoyed every second of it._

Suddenly a high pitched ringing filled her living room. She raised her head from her knees and looked at her answering machine. She stared at it with her tear filled eyes, but made no attempt to pick it up. She sank her head halfway back into her knees before raising it again when the ringing stopped and a man spoke through the voicemail.

"Hayley, it's me Taylor. Look, please call me when you get this okay? I wanted to check on how you were doing Hayles, you haven't talked to us at all. Jeremy, Kat and I are worried sick about you! Chad's even leaving tour and hopping on a plane to be with you. You _have_ to talk with us Hayles, you don't have to face this alone. We're all here for ya. Like I said we're really worried that you're not talking to us. Please talk to one of us and tell us how you're doing, okay? I'm hanging up now H, love you."

There was a click and the message ended. She stared at the machine for a while contemplating whether if she should call Taylor back.

Her hand almost made it to the answering machine but she pulled it back to her lap. It didn't move again and neither did she after she curled up tighter, her head sinking deeper into herself.

She had stopped crying but that didn't mean she lightened up at all. She still sobbed now and then sniffling once or twice.

She sobbed and sniffed for some time before she drifted off to sleep in her now slightly less curled up position on the couch.

I watched her as she slept, so fascinated by her; like a child at a magic show, a devotee looking at a goddess. I _was_ her devotee. _She was my goddess, my perfect angel._

I stood watching, at awe on everything about her; the gentleness and rhythmicity of her slow, silent breathing, how her chest slightly heaved and fell with every inhale and exhale or air, how her slender, precious fingers and the corners of her perfect lips would sometimes randomly and involuntarily twitch, how her eyebrows would sometimes raise or tighten making creases on her forehead, how her orange hair dangled from her face making her seem engulfed in flames, how she was curled up on the couch; like a little girl who had been crying because she'd been separated from her mother while shopping. She was so precious, beautiful and fragile.

I watched her sleep for what it seemed like days, yet boredom never once visited me for even a single second because every little thing about her was perfect, and it fascinated me in every moment.

Her eyes opened for a few moments in her slumber but sleep smothered her back into its world again.

It was dusk when she was finally able to escape from the land of dreams. Sunlight as orange as her hair, streamed into the house.

She changed from her curled up position, stretched her arms and rubbed her eyes to relieve herself from some of the aftereffects of her siesta. She seemed quite taken aback from the orange sunlight which meant it was almost night.

Her face seemed devoid of the mental agony and devastation that reaped her soul few hours ago. Maybe the land of dreams had actually erased the pain for the time being.

She sat there on the couch for a few seconds calculating the time between the time she woke up and the last moment she remembered before it. Then she slowly heaved her perfect, small body off the couch and drowsily walked towards the stairs of her house that lead up.

Again I found myself deeply fascinated by every action she took; the way her body moved when she walked, how her hair lifelessly bounced and dangled with every step she took, how she very limply went up the stairs. Everything about her was beyond the measure of perfection.

I craved for her.

She was my angel.

_Mine_.

Once she got to the second floor, she entered into her bedroom. She didn't stop there and went inside the bathroom in it. She walked over to the bathroom mirror and examined her face for a while. After that she turned on the tap and splashed some water in her face. I could see that her face was now more awake and alive from the mirror. _She was so beautiful._

Then suddenly fear took over her face. She snapped her body around to face me. Her eyes wide with horror, her jaw dropped in disbelief and her body tensed.

She stared for a few seconds, but her face reset back to the pained expression that occupied her face at midday today.

She was on the verge of breaking into tears again; of reliving the agony all over again. It seemed like even the pleasure of the dreams she visited couldn't erase her pain away. She quickly escaped the bathroom.

But I didn't follow her

I wondered about what could have scared her a few seconds ago. And why did she look at me? Of all the time I spent with her, there was never a moment where she looked directly at me until today. As if today she actually saw me.

After a few minutes, she returned back into the bathroom, but this time she was robed in a white bathrobe. I could see her perfect legs up to her knees now and I stared at them as she stepped up to the shower cubicle.

To my utter disbelief she unclothed herself then and there baring her naked body to me. I was stunned so much that I involuntarily clenched my teeth at the sight in front of me. Now not only I could see up to her knees, but all the way up her legs as well. And not just her legs but all of her bare beautiful, porcelain skin from head to toe. Her naked self was too much to take in, the smooth curves of her lush body, how her arms held themselves onto her torso, how her muscles flexed when she stepped up onto the shower cubicle. _She was perfect, the most beautiful thing ever created._

She closed its door as she gently stepped into the cubicle. Then she twisted a handle and water rained onto her from the showerhead above her. She stood still for a while letting herself get wet. Then she ran her hands over her lush body, cleansing herself and ran though her hair, letting the water swim through every nook and cranny of its fiery tendrils. She held up her face directly into the shower of water allowing the water to wash away the day's torment and all evidence of it.

But it didn't

A cloud of despair engulfed her and tears once again warmed her eyes while she lowered her head from the agony. Trembling uncontrollably with despair, she held onto the shower handle. Holding onto something real lest she drown in her sorrow completely. More tears escaped her face and she held her face with her free hand, while crying into it. _She was drowning._

Unable to hold herself upright, she finally sank into the bathroom floor and curled herself up to a familiar shape again, her face at level with her knees and her arms cradled on her belly. Even if more tears leaked from her face, they were lost in all the water running down her face.

Her beautiful face

_She was so beautiful._

Her porcelain skin glowed like snow in the white bathroom light. Even the blank pained look on her face couldn't do her beauty any injustice. She was the most amazing thing of all earth.

She was my drug.

My addiction

My obsession

_She was mine_

She closed her eyes for a while trying to take control of herself and her emotions. Once she did, she heaved body up from the bathroom floor. She didn't bother washing herself any longer, so she turned off the shower, stepped outside it, dried her body with a towel and robed herself.

She headed back to her bedroom while drying her hair. After it stopped dripping she started looking through her clothes.

A couple of minutes later she was dressed in white pajamas with pictures of a yellow sponge wearing a white shirt, red tie and brown pants. If anything she looked absolutely adorable wearing her pajamas.

Then she went downstairs again and entered her kitchen. She had her hands on the fridge when suddenly her doorbell rang. Surprised and curious as to whom it might have been at the door this late, she hurried to the door and answered it.

She was greeted by curly haired, slightly bearded man dressed in a plain black T-shirt and blue track pants. To my surprise, he was a man that I recognized.

"Hey, Hayley" He spoke.

She was definitely surprised "Taylor! W-What are you doing here?" she replied with her beautiful voice.

_God, her voice. _When she spoke it made everything else sound like the barking of mad dogs. It was the voice of an angel. A voice that God himself gifted from him to her.

I wanted her to speak again but it was Taylor who spoke.

"Did you get my message?"

Hayley nodded

"Well, as soon as I left it I was worried that you didn't answer. About an hour ago I decided to check up on you." He said

"Well as you can see Taylor I'm fine, thank you very much. You shouldn't have wasted your time" She said unsympathetically and she tried to close the door on Taylor's face, but before she could he stopped it with his hand.

"What is it Tay?" She asked annoyed.

"Talk to me Hayles, how are you doing?"

She groaned "Not now Taylor, go home and leave me alone"

"I can't Hayley. Now can I please come inside, or do we have to talk about this on your porch?" he asked

She looked at him for a few seconds and then sighed in submission.

"Fine T, come in" she said and held the door open for him. She closed the door after he went through it and turned to see him looking around the house.

"What were you doing before I came here?" he asked.

"I was going to heat up some leftovers" she said.

"Oh cool! Why don't we both eat and watch something?" he asked enthusiastically.

"Taylor…" she moaned in disinterest "What do you want?" she asked in return.

"Look Hayles, I'm really worried about you, Jeremy, Kat and Chad too. We're all worried about you. We know what happened was terrible, but you have to talk to us; to somebody. It's the only way you're gonna get through this. You shouldn't shut the world out! We can help you!" He said with a sincere look on his face.

"Taylor, stop. You shouldn't think about me anymore. No one should. No one can help me Taylor, I did something horrible and I don't deserve anybody's help. _I deserve to rot in hell_" she said blankly.

His face twitched slightly in pain

"Hayley, you are the nicest person I know. The last thing you deserve is to rot in hell." he said.

"But I did something unforgivable T! How can anyone ever forgive me? How can I ever forgive myself?" she said tearing up again.

"It was an accident Hayles, please believe me when I say it was not your fault. Nobody says it is."

"Then who's fault was it Taylor? Huh? W-Who's was it?" she said, her voice giving away into sobs. He noticed this and reached out to hold her, but she steped back avoiding his touch which made him give up on it and take his hand back.

"it's nobody's fault H! it was an accident. Accidents happen and sometimes it not anybody's fault." He said sincerely.

"But that doesn't change what I did!" tears went down her face while she spoke, her voice sad and angry at the same time.

"But blaming yourself won't change a thing either. We love you Hayles. We don't want to see you like this. Please talk to us, it's killing us to not know what's happening with you, it's killing _me _to see you suffering alone." He pleaded.

She was falling apart now, all her pent up emotions now escaping her mind as tears. They streamed down her face like a waterfall, more than ever before.

Seeing her like this Taylor stepped up to her and held her close to him. She didn't resist this time. He held her in his arms while she buried her face into his shoulder and cried loudly.

"I'm sorry Taylor, I'm so sorry" her muffled voice cried.

His face shook in pain from seeing her crying and apologizing to him, but he held his voice steady.

"It's okay H, it's okay. Don't cry. I'm here for you." He whispered.

He embraced her, letting her cry as much as she had to. She needed him, to hold onto him, to share with him, her pain. They didn't let go of each other for a long time.

"What was his name?" Hayley mumbled into his shoulders, after she gained some control over her emotions.

"What was whose name sweetie?" He asked.

"You know who I'm talking about Tay" she said.

"Hayley I…"

"Taylor, please just don't… please just, tell me his name" she said louder.

"Hayles it doesn't matter" He insisted.

"It does matter Taylor! It matters to me. Please I have to know." Hayley argued.

"Why Hayles? Why? Why can't you just forget about it. Let it go please."

"Because I can't just forget about it Taylor! _I can't just forget that I killed a man!_" Just tell me who he was T, please."

They still held each other in their arms as they argued, but her face now looking at his, their eyes met. Hers were burning from the blood that flowed into them during the time she cried in his arms. They didn't waver but pleaded from him with fiery determination. He finally sighed and said "David I think, _David Connors_"

I stood there taking in their conversation. Taylor's last words kept echoing in my head.

David Connors… who was that? I knew the name. It was... it was…

_It was my name._

A sudden wave of information hit me out of the blue.

I remembered everything, a total recall of everything that happened in my life... I knew ; who I was, the people I knew, The people I cared for; my friends at the university, Larry, and…Hayley.

But most of all, one cold truth cut through to me.

I braced myself as its flashback took over my senses, dragging me back to my _last memory_.

The little boy dropped his yoyo on the ground and it kept rolling like a coin straight onto the asphalt. He didn't see the silver sedan coming fast at him from his left. His mother's eyes widened in shock and fear when saw her son facing certain danger and that she was late to pull him back. There was little time to think, the only thought that went through my head was that if I didn't do something, that boy is going to get run over by the silver car. I ran to the boy as fast as I can and pushed him back onto the pavement.

It happened after a split second. The car struck me from behind. The impact was hard. I ricocheted over the vehicle and landed hard on the ground.

_Pain_

I struggled to move, but I couldn't. The agony was too much. Even when I tried to turn my head an incredible wave of pain jolted through my body. My whole body was screaming in agony from the broken bones and the internal bleeding. My back felt like a coconut tree near the shore, there was definitely something wrong with it.

Breathing was getting harder now, every breath I took worsened the pain and took greater effort.

_Is this the end for me? Am I going to die today?_

There was a voice in a distance, so faint. As it got closer it got clearer but still my ears weren't working like they should be. There was an incredible ringing going on and the voice was muffled.

_"Call an ambulance now!"_

My eyelids were getting heavier. It became a million times harder for my eyes to focus on anything. My vision was a blurred mess. I tried to concentrate on what was happening around me as a bearded man with brown hair knelt down beside me.

"Can you hear me? Hey! Can you hear me? Hold on! An ambulance is on the way!" he shouted.

Then another voice spoke up through the ringing. It was from a black haired man.

"Is he breathing?" he asked through an agitated voice.

"Barely" the other man replied in the same way.

Unable to bear its weight, my eyes shut. They seemed to weigh a ton now. Though I was hoping that I might become unconscious, my body stayed awake. I could still feel the agony roaring inside my body. I could still even hear the two strangers talking. I tried to focus on what they were saying and tried to ignore the pain.

"Hey! Hey! Wake up! Don't fall asleep! Hold on!"

"Hayles help us over here!"

What did he say?

Hayles?

_Her_ name?

_My Hayley?_

Despite the incredible weight tying down my eyelids, I somehow managed to get them slightly open.

And there she was.

Flaming hair, hazel eyes, magnificent strawberry face; adorable cheeks, perfect nose and beautiful lips

My heart

"Hold on!" one of the men said. I turned to him and realized that it was her bandmate Jeremy.

What were they doing here? How were they here right when I got hit by that car? Did they see it happen?

While I was silently asking questions, something happened that I never expected to happen in my life.

Hayley got down on her knees and reached out with both her hands taking mine into them.

_She was holding me_

_Her skin was touching mine_

I've wanted this more than anything else in my life. And now, what may be the final few minutes of it, I actually got the chance to hold her.

Though the pain was immense, I tried to ignore it and focus all I can on my hand where she was holding it, to feel her touch, to feel the soft texture of her hands, to feel her warmth.

And then she spoke to me

Her wonderful voice calling to me.

She was taking even a few seconds of her life to actually convey something to me. I tried my best to snuff out the ringing and her voice only.

_"Stay with me" _She said gently

She laid one of her hands on my chest, trying to feel the rhythm of my slow, dying heart.

_"Please hold on"_ She pleaded, her hazel eyes filling up with tears

Then she moved her palm to my face gently caressing it while she repeated

"_Hold on_"

I wanted to say so many things. That I loved her more than life itself, that she meant the world to me, that I wanted nothing more than to be with her, to hear her talk to me again. I wanted her to know how badly I wanted her, how my heart would always light up when something reminded me of her, how I wished every night that she would visit me in my dreams, because that was the closest I could get to having her.

But it took all I had just to whisper her name.

"Ha…"

_Pain_

"H.."

_Pain_

"Hayl…"

_Pain_

"Hayley…"

I finally managed to whisper her sweet name. I didn't know whether she heard it or not because saying her name drained all the energy out of me

My eyes started fluttering rapidly, my focus on her face weakening. Everything was becoming darker.

_No! No! NO! Don't fall asleep. I have to stay with her. She's right there, don't leave her! You love her damn it! Don't let her go!_

But it was all the shouting in my head was in vain. And then my eyes closed for the last time. The pain being was being washed away, the last bit of light being engulfed by darkness.

When I came back I found myself on my knees, the force of the flashback rendering me powerless to stand up properly. I took in everything that happened to me.

_I died_

Now I am dead

And she was there, the love of my life in my last few moments. She held my hand. She touched me. She spoke to me.

She was somehow there with me.

How can it be?

Then it hit me.

The unbelievable truth.

_"Because I can't just forget about it Taylor! I can't just forget that I killed a man! Just tell me who he was T, please."_

_"David I think, David Connors"_

My name, me.

The person who killed me was her; the love of my life, my sun and moon, _my Hayley._


End file.
